Talking Through My Teeth

Hmmmm….your imagination of that is probably radically different from our reality.

School being out for summer, in our family, means that the bulk, heavy education has been completed.  For the next three months, we will continue our pursuit of knowledge, but in a more relaxed manner.  We will have more conversations and open dialogs regarding topics and issues.  We will try to look deeper into the meaning and context of questions in order to have a better understanding of who we are as individuals and where, at this young age, we think we want to go.

I’m excited.  More to follow.

And on the Seventh Day, pleased and exhausted by all of his enthusiasm and effort……he rested.

Kevin called and wanted to know why I’m MIA from the ballfield…..I told him I was busy editing kitty porn.

Pug and Ricky’s antics surrounding her being in heat has kept my family entertained all week.  Gone is the “frisky” kitty and currently present is the “I’m barely tolerating you and I’m no longer amused” kitty.  Apparently, the “it’s easier to just give in and give it to him than tell him no then reap the sulking period” female/male dialog is cross-species.

Hmmmm.  Cool.

Hello, my name is Laura and I am a Blog Whore.

I’m completely hooked and can NOT get my day started unless I have read through my usual stack of blogs, that for the most part, add no level of intrinsic value to my life at all.  But I have to have them.  It’s my morning coffee and my little OCD drug wrapped up together.

I don’t know how it got started, but somehow, reading about what was going on in someone else’s life got me temporarily out of mine.  And my life is great.  I have NOTHING to complain about, so why the malaise?  I think it’s because when people have so much good, they lose perspective on how much other people truly struggle each day.  And I don’t want to lose perspective.  I’ve been reading the feel good blogs for so long that the women actually are starting to annoy me.  And as a blog writer, how does that make me any less annoying.  It doesn’t.  I hope I’m just wise enough to remember it.

I stumbled upon a couple of blogs that deal with autism.  I read them religiously now.  I’ve read about families struggles and joys, the milestones and the meltdowns, the out-of-controlness, the fear and the overwhelming of moments, minutes and months.  I read about how harsh, critical and mean people in public can be to a family struggling with a child with autism.  And I wonder, I have probably been just as bad.  Forgive me, but I didn’t know.  I didn’t know how hard it is.  I automatically judged all misbehaving kids as children whose parents aren’t doing their job.  I didn’t know the precariousness of what can set off a bad period from a good one.  But as I read these blogs,  I think to myself, these are the women that are my role models.  They are the voices that I want to hear.  Women and men, in the trenches, using blogging to impower their powerlessness.  And I cheer.  I cheer for all their good moments, mourn for their bad.  And I am humbled and embarrassed when my healthy, stage and phase appropriate children drive me nuts.

Because really and truly…….I don’t have a THING to complain about.  And yet, narcisistically,  I still do.

I’ve been struggling for a while now.  I live on an emotional spectrum that belongs in a carnival.  It’s completly unfair to my family.  I’m currently in a valley and Kevin is completely amazing, awesome and consistantly makes me smile.  The kids give my day texture and direction and are the recipient of some not so happy mommy moments.   My fear is I’m hurting their little spirits and my shame keeps me from wanting to put it down in writing.  It makes it too real.

We have two weeks left of homeschooling for the year.  It’s a little bit of a misnomer because the kids do math, read and write all summer.  However, the heavy load of course work required on a daily basis will most definitely be over.  And speaking for all Classical Conversation moms everywhere…..it can’t happen soon enough.

I love the curriculum….it’s not without it’s problems and kinks, but for the large majority, CC rocks.  The course load and speed in which work is covered, smothered and done, is hard.  I felt like I’m ordering hash browns at Waffle House when I wrote that….

So, I am tired.  My kids are tired.  I’m over the yelling and demands.  I just want our school year to end.  But for the first time since we’ve started homeschooling all those years ago with Emily….I have no doubt the amount of work we have accomplished is light year’s ahead of anything covered in public school.  Not that it’s a competition or anything.  I’m just saying.

Two more weeks……I am so counting.

There are two new boys on Bear’s ball team,  Luke and Bailey.

Guess what?  They are good…..REALLY good……

I asked Bear on Wednesday after meeting the boys at practice how it went.  He said, “good…..my postion on first is locked down, though….no worries.  It’s mine.”

Hmmmmm.  After making a bad play on Saturday, Coach pulled him and put Bailey on first in his place.  No errors.  At all.  Guess your position isn’t on lock down after all, is it?

And I’m glad.  I’m glad you have to work for it.  I’m glad another kid has raised the bar and kicked you in the balls.  Because your lackadaisical attitude has been kicking me in the balls for years.  I’m glad you’re the little fish in the big pond because if you want to make a difference, it’s going to have to come from you…..not me telling you to want it.  You.  You practicing in the backyard…..you throwing the ball, you not accepting a loss-ratio on catches and picks.  YOU.

Finally.

I think I’m going to write Bailey a thank you letter.

Dear Bailey,

Thank you for lighting the fire under my son’s pants that for years I couldn’t.  It’s nice to see him angry and frustrated for a change.

Sincerely,

Bear’s Mom

I’ve signed my two older kids up for ballroom dancing.   How did that happen?  Well, after wandering the wilds of homeschooling alone and adrift, this year, we signed up with Classical Conversations.   If you don’t know anything about it, check it out here at www.classicalconverstations.com.  It’s a little dry and not very interesting, but if you can get your hands on a family that actually is participating in it….hold onto your socks, because it’s a wild ride.  Anyway, back to why the kids are ballroom dancing…..the students in the Challenge programs (high school) participate in something called Spring Protocol.  Our school/group/location (pick an adjective) chose for the kids to enjoy a three-course meal at Milton’s Cuisine, an evening at the opera and to round the night off,  their formal dance.  For about five weeks before the event, the kids took etiquette classes and ballroom dance.  There was a ton of moaning and groaning about it and to be completely honest, no one was really sure how much fun the dance part was going to be.

Turned out, TONS.  The kids had dance cards that had assigned partners for most of the dances and several “free” dances in which the young men asked a particular lady for a dance.  The kids danced the Virginian Reel, the Swing, Men in Black and the Waltz.  In addition to their own style of dancing.  And it was FUN!!  The kids had a great time and no one wanted the night to end.

So, in preparation of the Spring Protocol, I had signed Emily and Bear up for classes at Altanta Ballroom every Thursday night for their beginning classes.  The classes turned out to be so much fun that I had to then sign Emily and Bear up for private lessons on Mondays.  This week they worked on the Swing and the Rumba.  I love the latin style dances and really want the kids to focus on them over the classical style.  They are young and the music and steps are so exciting.

Watching them at their lesson this week, I was struck by the thought of what this generation is missing out on by not having these dances be more a part of their life.  The boys learn to lead and to do so with quiet confidence and strength.  The young ladies learn to listen to their partner, to follow and understand their own quiet power.  Learning to dance with a partner means understanding the symbiotic relationship between two people and how each partner relies on the other to create a whole.  And it’s a beautiful thing.

I’m sure I sound like an old fuddy-duddy.  But when I watch these kids dance, it’s just almost too beautiful for words.

It’s been so long since I’ve written a post, I forgot my password.  Yep.  Gone.

Homeschooling has been rewarding and challenging this year.  Not that it’s different from any other year, but I just feel like everything this year has just been MORE.  More rewarding, More frustrating, More successful, More exasperating, More thorough, More failure……just more.  And I’m tired.

I’m not really seeing the trees through the forest right now.  I’m basically lost in the woods.  Just hearing my voice is enough to piss off my daughter let alone the reaction I have when discovering the lack of effort in her work….and Bear’s…….and Bryson.  My friends encourage me to put the kids back into public school.  It’s not the answer.  I’m not saying I’m the answer, but I KNOW that public school isn’t the answer.

I don’t want to debate with anyone regarding the pros and cons of homeschooling vs. traditional school.  Why?  Because it’s like speaking in two different languages.  I’m tired, not stupid.

I have a vision of what I want for the kids and am smart enough to know that there are very real areas that I am not the best source to fill those requirements.  So, how to bridge the gap?  That’s what I need.  Consistancy, consequences, thoroughness and saturation.  By someone more qualified than I.

I’m tired.  So I haven’t been writing, I’ve been yelling.  I’ve been stewing in a pot of pissed off and I can’t stand to be around myself anymore.

Welcome to my world, my kids’ world and the world of my husband.  Yeah!

January 25 (day 25)

I woke up with a migrane this morning, not to be confused with a hangover.

My children are smart, they can feel when danger is in the room with them.  Bear spoke in whispers and Bryson plied me with handfuls of Advil like they are M&Ms.  Emily escaped and spent the morning at work.  After brewing me a cup of coffee, Bear tentatively asked if he can use my camera and shoot some pictures.  It’s really the only thing that I am willing to talk about when I feel this horrible.  I’m telling you…..he’s a SMART kid.

I handed him my Canon 7d and he informed me he doesn’t like the lens that’s on the body.  Really?  Huh…..I had no idea he had preferences at this point.  No Mom, I want the big lens (that’s the 24 – 70 mm 2.8F).  Alrighty…..I changed the lens out and with my head buried in my hands, I watched him shoot pictures aroung the sunroom.  He shot Anja, the t.v., the table the t.v. is sitting on and proudly showed me each shot…..”what do you think, Mom?”  Not so good, buddy.   But let’s play a game.

I told my son, who loves math, to think of photography in terms of a math problem.  It’s all about angles, lines, degrees and light.   Sometimes, when you shoot straight on the subject, you are shooting flat and the image refuses to tell a story.  The entire purpose of taking a shot is for that shot to actually tell whoever it is that’s looking at the image, a story.  If you don’t do that, you’re not shooting photography, you’re just taking snapshots.

I told Bear to grab some of Bryson’s toys.  I set up a little storyline about G.I. Joe riding on the back of a dragon, killing another dragon and celebrating his victory.  I explained to him that sometimes grabbing the entire background actually just minimizes the story.  I told him to shoot with the sun over his shoulder, use his angles, leverage and adjust the camera by varing degrees and see what he comes up with.

He shot some initial shots and then I suggested a few simple changes that would alter his images dramatically.  He’s working on it right now.  Completely into it…..I can’t wait to see what he’s come up with.

And surprisingly, my head is starting to feel better.